How to be an Obnoxious Lover with French

Have you ever marvelled at the man who goes through a string of gorgeous girlfriends, all of whom say he's a bastard but as often as not jump at the chance to go out with him, or the woman who treats man like dirt but always seems to have an even dozen of them around to cater to her every whim? Have you ever wondered what it is that they've got and you haven't? The answer is class.

Take for instance the Tango. It is a cruel and yet seductive dance. Compare this to Morris dancing. Morris dancing is mildly entertaining and good clean fun, yet nobody wants to do it. Why? Because it isn't classy. The Tango has the allure and mystique coupled with cruelty which helps make it even more fascinating.

Now, any gibbon can be cruel, but I have found through my research that strangling cats in front of women is rarely considered alluring. Why? Because it lacks class. Now at last I have the perfect formula. Act like a complete bastard but do so while speaking French. The French language has just the right phonetic qualities to transmit the desired amounts of cruelty and mystique to the listener. After all "Je voudrais ètrangler votre chat" sounds a lot more classy than "Wanna see me strangle a cat?".

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Pick Up Lines

"Do you have any French in you? Would you like some?"

"Vous avez des origines françaises? Pourquoi pas une descendance française?"
(voo za - vay deh zo - ri - zhin fran - say? poor kwu pah deh - sen - dans fran - say?)

"Do you have croissants for breakfast?"

"Vous prenez des croissants au petit-dejeuner?"
(voo pre - neh deh crwa - sant oh pe - tee de - zher - neh)

"Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money?"

"Puis-je payer un verre, ou voulez-vous juste l'argent?"
(pwee zhe pay - eh un vair, oo voo - ley voo zhust lar - zhent)

"Would you like to talk, or should I just keep ogling you from a distance?"

"Voulez vous parler, ou bien dois-je continuer à vous reluquer de là oú je suis?"
(voo - lay voo par - leh, oo bien dwa zhe con - ti - nu - eh a voo re - lu - keh de la oo zhe swee)

"In case he doesn't show up I'll be waiting over here."

"S'il ne vient pas, je vous attends ici."
(si ne vien pah zhe voo zat - end ee - see)

Are those real?

"C'est des vrais?"
(say deh vray)

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The Morning After

"God, you looked better through beer goggles, though..."

"Mon Dieu!...Apres quelque verres vous n'aviez pourtant pas l'air trop mal..."
(mon dyer ah - preh kel - ke ver voo na - vee - eh poor - tant pah lair troh mal)

"Oh, yeah, I forgot to ask last night. Do you have protection?

"Ah, oui, j'ai oublié de vous demander hier soir. Vous utilisez des contraceptifs?"
(ah wee zhay oo - blee - eh de voo de - man - deh ee - air swah. vooz u - ti - lee - zeh deh con - tra - sep - tif)

"And people say that your sex life is ruined after a sexual disease!"

Et les gens disent que la vie sexuelle est foutué aprés une MST.
(eh leh zhen dee - zen ke la vee sex - u - el est foo - tu - eh ah - pray zune M S T)

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Sweet Nothings

"I love you. Where's my dinner?"

"Je t'aime. Quand est-ce qu'on mange?"
(zhe tim. kan ess kon manzh)

"Why can't you put the toilet seat down?"

"Pourquoi ne rebaisses-tu jamais le siège des WC?"
(poor - kwa ne re - bay - seh tu zha - may le see - ezh - e deh ve - se)

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Dumping Someone

"I think we should see other people. I have been for the last three months."

"Je pense que nous devrions voirs d'autres personnes. Moi même j'en vois depuis trois moins."
(zhe pens ke noo dev - ree - on vwar doatr per - son. mwah mehm zhen vwah de - pwee trwah - mwan)

"I'm leaving you for a member of the human race"

"Je te quitte pour un humain"
(zhe te ki - teh poor un oo - min)

"I only went out with you as part of a bet"

"Je ne suis sorti avec toi que dans le cadre d'un pari"
(zhe ne swee sor - ti a - vec twah dan le cad - red un pah - ri)

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