101 Funny Jokes
American Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations
that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher
incomes than others."
--Gerry Brown
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another."
--George Bush, US President
"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree
with them."
--George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell,
owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
--Parish Magazine
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and
one word only: Super Bowl."
--Bill Peterson, football coach
"I've read about foreign policy and studied-I know the number of
continents."
--George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Dan Quayle
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Dan Quayle
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people."
--Dan Quayle
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
--Dan Quayle
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with
being a woman."
--Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
--Batman Costume warning label
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